Maplestory

behind you ... hes still following " keep running" you think. Hi im liliac and im 12 yrs old. my parents dies years ago when i was 2 and my cousin took care of me. i made a friend silo. he was nice until one day a storm came and he went dark. hes chasing me now and im in the town screaming and running for my life. he has a knife in his hand and keeps saying die. i have 5 other friends too pearl, junie, makoto, bria, and anya. we are in a group and they are already dead. * flash back *
" PEARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *falls to knees* "why?...WHY?...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" * drops head on pearls dead body *
* everybody else grabs me * " cmon lily! we got to go " junie says. i run with them but bria trips and falls. silo stopped and stabbed her to death. makoto and anya was the same thing. at the end i was left with anya. she was slitted and spoke last words..." your right... i should have gave him a kiss...*

nice,great story xD

This...seriously needs editing.
Plot is...seriously lacking.
...
...
No, seriously. I must criticize.
Could make do with a bit more storyline, no?
Unless 'tis a prologue, and even so, a poorly done one at that.

OMFG WHEE I MISSED YOU!!!! critisize me all you want i need tips.
its my first and i need tips

.........................this is...........
terrible..........

EmberSparks wrote:.........................this is...........
terrible..........

I can't believe i have to say this ,
But yeah it is terrible.
You need to add Sentences, Paragraphs. and The plot are kinda messed up.

Kinda messed up??!?
Gotta space the lines
went to fast
and it's like
wow need so much editing

CoolKid wrote:behind you ... hes still following " keep running" you think. Hi im liliac and im 12 yrs old. my parents dies years ago when i was 2 and my cousin took care of me. i made a friend silo. he was nice until one day a storm came and he went dark. hes chasing me now and im in the town screaming and running for my life. he has a knife in his hand and keeps saying die. i have 5 other friends too pearl, junie, makoto, bria, and anya. we are in a group and they are already dead. * flash back *
" PEARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *falls to knees* "why?...WHY?...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" * drops head on pearls dead body *
* everybody else grabs me * " cmon lily! we got to go " junie says. i run with them but bria trips and falls. silo stopped and stabbed her to death. makoto and anya was the same thing. at the end i was left with anya. she was slitted and spoke last words..." your right... i should have gave him a kiss...*

Behind me, "He" is still following. I kept running, it was the only thought I had.. My name is Liliac, I'm 12 years old. My parents died years ago when when I was only just 2 years old. My cousin took me in. I made a friend, Silo. He was nice to me until one day, a storm raged and he became "dark". He's chasing me now. I'm in the town, screaming and running for my life. He had a knife in his hand and keeps repeating the word "Die.....". I remember my 5 other friends, Pearl, Junie, Makoto, Bria and Anya. We were a group but now, they are all dead.

I remember few days ago, maybe weeks, but i cannot be sure. My mind had been fuzzy since that day. Pearl was dead, I fell to my knees beside her.

"Pearl! Why? Why? This cannot be! WHY?" I shouted repeatedly. I was grabbed by Junie, she told me that we've got to go. The 5 of us ran. Unfortunately, Bria tripped, he fell to the ground with a thud. We kept running. I turned back and saw Silo stopping to stab her to death. The same happened to Makoto and Anya. At the end, I was kneeling beside Anya, my tears were coming down like a waterfall. She had a slit across her neck. She spoke to me with her last breath: "You're right.... I.... Should have...... Gave Him.... A kiss......"


----------------------

It should be written like this.
If I made you offended by editing your story I'm sorry.
Tell me and I won't interfere next time.

I think you're edited version improved it ^-^

I agree with jadey..... seriously, edit it......

pvtsharp wrote:

CoolKid wrote:behind you ... hes still following " keep running" you think. Hi im liliac and im 12 yrs old. my parents dies years ago when i was 2 and my cousin took care of me. i made a friend silo. he was nice until one day a storm came and he went dark. hes chasing me now and im in the town screaming and running for my life. he has a knife in his hand and keeps saying die. i have 5 other friends too pearl, junie, makoto, bria, and anya. we are in a group and they are already dead. * flash back *
" PEARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *falls to knees* "why?...WHY?...WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" * drops head on pearls dead body *
* everybody else grabs me * " cmon lily! we got to go " junie says. i run with them but bria trips and falls. silo stopped and stabbed her to death. makoto and anya was the same thing. at the end i was left with anya. she was slitted and spoke last words..." your right... i should have gave him a kiss...*

Behind me, "He" is still following. I kept running, it was the only thought I had.. My name is Liliac, I'm 12 years old. My parents died years ago when when I was only just 2 years old. My cousin took me in. I made a friend, Silo. He was nice to me until one day, a storm raged and he became "dark". He's chasing me now. I'm in the town, screaming and running for my life. He had a knife in his hand and keeps repeating the word "Die.....". I remember my 5 other friends, Pearl, Junie, Makoto, Bria and Anya. We were a group but now, they are all dead.

I remember few days ago, maybe weeks, but i cannot be sure. My mind had been fuzzy since that day. Pearl was dead, I fell to my knees beside her.

"Pearl! Why? Why? This cannot be! WHY?" I shouted repeatedly. I was grabbed by Junie, she told me that we've got to go. The 5 of us ran. Unfortunately, Bria tripped, he fell to the ground with a thud. We kept running. I turned back and saw Silo stopping to stab her to death. The same happened to Makoto and Anya. At the end, I was kneeling beside Anya, my tears were coming down like a waterfall. She had a slit across her neck. She spoke to me with her last breath: "You're right.... I.... Should have...... Gave Him.... A kiss......"


----------------------

It should be written like this.
If I made you offended by editing your story I'm sorry.
Tell me and I won't interfere next time.

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im still working on fan fictions so ya i need lots of help
im going to publish a book too! ( trying to )

Publishing books take a lot of work...
First off, you need to copyright-protect/patent your work.
Second off, you have to find an editor (Rofl @ the thought and irony).
Then, you have to find a binder company, who'll publish and print your book.
Examples are like The Chicken House, Puffington Books, etc.
Well, you get the point: DON'T DO IT!
:p

no wonder no one remembers uu
ur not ur old funny self

CoolKid wrote:no wonder no one remembers uu
ur not ur old funny self

welcome to the FF section
were nice ppl turn into flaming and mean monsters
yeah im talking about leowu, whee, jonlin, draco, zaylo, pvtsharp, synn(where the hell is he)

lol Leo was never that nice
Wh33... can't argue with you there
Me, I am not a flama
draco... dracoPLASM always was, and yeah
Zaylo... he started the FF section therefore he is the start of this behaviour
Pvt isn't a flama :O
Synn is gone.. D:


My comments... *flame flame flame* .... kay.

jonlin wrote:lol Leo was never that nice
Wh33... can't argue with you there
Me, I am not a flama
draco... dracoPLASM always was, and yeah
Zaylo... he started the FF section therefore he is the start of this behaviour
Pvt isn't a flama :O
Synn is gone.. D:


My comments... *flame flame flame* .... kay.

I iz not an flamar